Hello all,
first of all, thank you so much for reading this and being here after all these years. This one is going to be different from my usual journals. I usually keep my personal life private and keep it somewhat professional online. However, I'm in a really low place right now and I just need to write down what's been happening. For myself. This one's about relationships, or rather mine.
A few years ago, I was studying in a different city. I lived on my own, it was great. I got used to it, I was getting stuff done. I got a boyfriend in my third year of studies. He changed my life. I loved him then as much as I do today, it was even better. I started neglecting my arts a bit. He's an artist himself, so I got back into it after a while, just more sparingly I suppose because my time was now split.
After I finished studies, I got a job. Moved in with my parents again. It was really tough leaving my significant other in a different city, but we made do with seeing each other in the weekends and longterm sleepovers now and then. Then I got a different job, something related to what I was studying. I went on an apartment hunt and one year ago me and my love moved in together. It was amazing. The actual true freedom and privacy we desired.
As the year went by, I became content. We would play games, eat snacks, have all the possible fun together. He was never a talkative person, nor me, for that matter, but I thought we had an unbreakable connection. At this time it's been four years that we've been together. I'd define myself as being a hopeless romantic and someone fiercely loyal and extremely monogamist. I thought we would be together forever. We went on a trip to Paris with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. They got engaged. Not us. We're a very open couple in a sense that we talk things like marriage and big/ private ideas out before anything. I want it. Not for the celebration, not for the benefits. I just want it to be sealed and clear to the world that we are each others'. We've talked about it many times before. I was not expecting to be proposed to or anything, but I was still disappointed.
My boyfriend is not a romantic person. Nor a cuddly one. I am, so I demand it when I need it. I don't think it's fair to demand it all the time or to be upset about not receiving it without asking for it, because people are different and it's ok. But I still feel so sometimes. Whatever the case, I love him and I want to be with him forever.
A month ago he told me that for the last 6 months he's been feeling increasingly depressed. It was not news to me, he's been so on and off. What was news to me is that he didn't know if he loved me anymore. That one crushed me. It still hurts so bad. I cried my eyes out for a week straight. We established that we want to work it out. But I felt so betrayed. I still do sort of. But I believed him. So here I am. This entire month I can't think of anything else but that topic. We talked time and time again since then. We both end up in tears. I think he still cares and he hates hurting me. But I don't think he loves me anymore. I asked him to move out for a bit. Just last Saturday I drove him back to his parents' house myself. And I miss him so much. We agreed this would be temporary and we still chat all day, but to see if things change, if he maybe was just really depressed of the routine and being in one room 24/7 we need that.
So here I am, writing about this now, because it really hurts. And I can no longer keep up the act even at work. I'm not fine. I love him and I want him back. But I can't do anything about it because you can't force someone to love you. I will not go into detail or cast any blame on either of us here. I don't even know if I should expect any advice or what. I just feel so so lonely and worthless. Thanks for reading. I'll delete this if it gets better.